Cleaning House

Dear S,

You know how I write. The urge to write down my thoughts comes on suddenly and I am compelled to stop whatever I am doing and rush to get it all down. Total stream of consciousness. It has always been that way for me which is why I would never make a great novelist. My brain just doesn't work that way.

For the last couple of weekends I have been de-cluttering. Sisters & I are having a garage sale in a few weeks, I'm getting ready for some major redecorating and it also gives me a reason to continue to organize and deal (emotionally and physically) with Eddie's possessions.

I am going from room-to-room and doing things in my usual OCD, left to right manner so that nothing gets overlooked. One of the closets in Ardys/Cassy/Jonathan's room has become a "file" room of sorts. Eddie's huge filing cabinet is in there along with every "important" document that I felt I needed to keep. Closing papers from my last 4 real estate deals, old tax returns, etc. I have this old vinyl, zippered file thingy that belonged to my dad when he sold Winnebagos and I've kept it for that sentimental reason. Funny, the things we hold on to.

Alone in one of the zippered pockets was something I had totally forgotten about and didn't even remember putting in there. Why there? Who knows?

It was the card you gave me over Valentine's week way back in 2005. Just a few short months after my very difficult divorce, before I moved to Vinings, well over a year before I even knew who Eddie James was and a million miles away from the woman I am today.

I remember well that week. I was on the receiving end of one of the most original and romantic Valentine treats ever. So creative and so, so sweet. I doubt there are very many women out there who could resist such a gesture.

Over the course of the week three packages arrived. I had instructions that I wasn't to open any of them until all 3 were there. I remember well how excited I was as I slowly (to savor the moment) opened each one. And then there was the card with the wonderful heart shaped book mark.

It is interesting how you can interpret things so differently depending on your current point of view. When I read that card then I was hopeful that you were the "one". We were certainly off to a great start. In the card you speak of your own hopefulness of where our relationship will go as friends, companions, partners, etc. and that it will all lead to a long term relationship.

As we know, the romantic part of our relationship died a long, slow death. Mostly because I kept thinking about this card and what I interpreted it to mean at the time. And please do not be insulted by this because I don't mean it negatively toward you... thankfully, that phase ended. If it hadn't, I would have missed the amazing adventure I shared with Eddie. And I wouldn't be where I am now.

I cannot recognize the woman I was in 2005. The demons that occupied my mind and body came out of 13 years in an unhealthy relationship. I was not of sound mind and body. I was barely functional. Although very few people knew it or even sensed it. Least of all, you. Was I vulnerable to romantic words and gestures? Damn right. I would cling to any appreciation that came my way because I was starving for it by that time.

And then one day in the spring of 2006 after one more attempt to convince myself that you were the one - I had what they call an epiphany. I will never forget it because it almost seemed like a one woman exorcism.

Suddenly, the demons were gone. And I was fully aware that I did not need the attention, time, flowery words and physical overtures of anyone to make me feel complete. It was an amazingly powerful day in my life. And from that moment the previous boyfriends, husbands, and horrible dates with people I had no desire to like, let alone love, ceased to be important to me.

Within a few months of the exorcism, I met Eddie, of course when I least expected it and when I was truly not looking for him. Within weeks of knowing him I had no doubt that he was the one I had been searching my entire life to find. I didn't "need" him to love me. I let myself trust him to do it properly. I didn't push, I didn't control, I didn't nag. And I didn't even feel that any of those things were necessary. It was a softer, gentler and much more mature Lisa. And that seemed to bring out the softer, gentler, more mature Eddie.

For both of us, it was all about trust and respect. And it was amazingly simple and pain free. We had our moments, especially in the first year, as we were figuring things out. But we both wanted the same result and so, together, we managed to carefully maneuver around the typical landmines of relationships. And the reward for being patient and kind to each other paid off in ways that I will never be able to measure.

Eddie is gone but Lisa - the real Lisa - is here. The pain of losing him will never fade. I accept that. But the woman he left behind is happy and comfortable and secure in ways that I never dreamed of in 2005.

So, back to your Valentine's Day card - As I read it today I can see that I read way too much into it back then. I saw what I needed to see at the time. Time is such a great teacher. In it, you mention friendship and hope of a long-term relationship. I am so happy that we managed to remain friends and that our relationship is now over 6 years old. It isn't often that you can salvage that from a romantic entanglement that seemed so complicated at the time.

Thank you for being my friend and for growing with me.

L