Over Exposure

On the night of Eddie's accident, after receiving the call from Grady Hospital telling me to get to the ER as quickly as possible, I found myself speeding right past the spot where he died.


I wasn't sure at that moment. I didn't even know his condition. They wouldn't tell me over the phone. Only that I should bring someone with me, if I could. I didn't want to believe that all of those blue, flashing lights, emergency vehicles and traffic backed up for miles had anything to do with us. I found out later that it was the place. The place that changed everything.


I have been haunted ever since by sirens, ambulances, and flashing lights on any emergency vehicle to the point of incapacity.


My heart rate goes up, I can't get my breath, every single muscle in my body tenses up and I totally freeze until the sound or the vision goes away. Since this usually occurs when I am operating a motorized vehicle, you can see that it is a less than ideal situation to be in.


This phenomenon had much to do with my decision to sell my scooter. Twice, I dropped it when I was passed by police cars rushing to some other emergency.


I don't like to feel vulnerable. I don't like to feel weak. I don't like loosing control. But when faced with those sounds and visions I became as weak as a baby and unable to control myself. It annoyed the hell out of me.


And it wasn't getting any better with time.


I spoke to a therapist friend of mine and she had a couple of suggestions. In some cases exposing yourself to the source of your anxiety as much as you can will desensitize you to it. Of course, I didn't take any of her advice. I just kept thinking that after enough time, it would just go away. And besides, it wasn't hurting me. I would just put it out of my head, until the next time.


I live in a big city. Who was I kidding? Sirens, firetrucks, ambulances and police cars are a part of daily life.


But nothing like Washington, DC.


I visited DC a couple of weeks ago for business. I loved it! I was born and lived the first 8 years of my life in the area but hadn't spent any quality time there since.


One of the first things I noticed after getting settled in my West End hotel was that there was some sort of emergency about every 15 minutes. Ambulances, fire trucks and police cars were speeding around with lights flashing and sirens blaring constantly.


My first thought was, "Shit. This is going to suck."


When I visit a new place, I must explore. I want to walk, ride, drive and see as much of it as I can. I want to eat the food, hang out at local spots and watch the people. It is what I do.


And I wasn't going to let these damn anxiety attacks keep me from doing it this time.


So I walked. I walked to Georgetown and explored almost every single street. I walked the length of Pennsylvania Ave. to the White House and back. I went down side streets and alleys. I walked along the Tidal Basin and the C&O canal.


And sure enough, like clock work - the sirens and lights went on and on.


After a while I noticed that I was calmer. My breathing was normal. And rather than having that horrible vision of that horrible accident site seared into my brain, I found myself wondering why there was so many emergencies around there.


I didn't actually believe I was cured. I thought that it had more to do with me being in a strange place.


I have been home for two weeks. I have heard and seen a lot of those damn sirens and lights. And I think I might have this licked. Ambulances still cause a bit of stress. My imagination still won't loosen it's hold on the image of Eddie lying in the back of one of those things while the EMTs try desperately to revive him.


But that's ok. I'll take what I can get for now.