Testing The Waters

I recently wrote that I wished I could go into a coma on the day before Thanksgiving and wake up the day after Valentines.  This time of year is filled with sadness and bittersweet memories.  Last year I tried to ignore Christmas entirely.  I didn't put up a single decoration,  bought very few gifts, didn't open Christmas cards (sorry) and avoided stores with piped in Christmas carols like the plague.

I figured this year would be exactly the same but I was surprised to find that I actually wanted to partake in a bit of Christmas cheer.  Hmmm... Nothing too drastic, just a few baby steps back into the holiday madness.

I found a retro, aluminum Christmas tree and one of those color wheels.  I placed it in the corner of my front living room (far from the usual spot in the den).  I only used glass ornaments on it so I didn't have to go digging through the boxes of my more cherished, collected ornaments.

Then the cards started to arrive.  I've opened each one and read all the letters that were included in some.  They were pretty and interesting.  So I placed them on the mantel.  I bought a new, non-traditional wreath for the front door.  And I am having a holiday party under the pretense of showing off my newly, redecorated house.  Living on the edge, I am.

They say time heals all wounds.  I used to like to say that pain is only temporary.  I have learned that is not the case at all.  This wound won't heal and the pain will be with me always.

What really happens is that you learn how to incorporate it into your daily life.  You learn how to live with it.  I'm sure some people find that an impossible task.  For me, it is the only way to function.

I have found that lately, I think more about how Eddie is still with me.  He taught me so much in the short time we were together.  He still makes me laugh.  I am angered when I think of what he lost.  For so long it was all about me and the rest of us who lost our time with Eddie.

But now I think more about what was taken from him.  All of the wonderful adventures and moments that he will never experience.

So, on my third Christmas without him, I will take my little steps and enjoy as much of the holiday spirit as I'm able to.  And I will give thanks for that wonderful man who changed my life.

May you all be filled with Christmas spirit...