From Earl to Eddie

As a young woman I always knew I wanted two things in life – to be married and to have children.  Any thing else like a career, fame or fortune would simply be gravy.  Those two needs guided every decision I made for over 20 years.

I didn’t date much in high school.  I had a couple of crushes but I wasn’t “boy crazy” like a lot of girls my age.  And I certainly wasn’t looking for my future husband and father to my children.

That all changed on an October night in 1974 in the McDonald’s parking lot on Memorial Drive in Stone Mountain, Georgia.

I met Earl*.

(* Of course, he isn’t really named Earl but for privacy purposes he will be here.  Everyone who knows me knows who Earl is, including him.  Besides, “Earl” is funnier.)

Within a few days Earl had called and our first date was set.  And that Friday night we sat in the stands at Dekalb Memorial Stadium and watched the second half of the Clarkston Angoras football game.  And discovered one of many things we had in common – a love of sports.

Earl was (is) a very laid back guy.  But he wasn’t a push over.  He was (is) the epitome of a southern gentleman.  Even at the age of 17.  We didn’t suffer through a lot of the drama many of my friends and their boyfriends went through.

We just had a whole lot of fun.

After graduation we both moved across the street to the local community college in what felt like the 13^th grade of high school.  Earl’s low key attitude was starting to feel like indifference to me.  I started to grow restless.

So I got the crazy idea that we should date other people for a while.  Earl didn’t see that coming.  My stubborn streak was coming out and I wasn’t going to let Earl or anyone else take me for granted.

Within a week I had a date with a ridiculously handsome Citadel cadet who could have been the inspiration for Tom Cruise’s character in “Top Gun”.  (He ultimately became a Navy pilot so it wasn’t much of a stretch.)

For seven months, Earl held vigil while I pretended to laugh at Tom’s jokes.  I missed Earl and his easy, effortless sense of humor.  And so just as quickly, we were back together and picking out names for our future family of four boys.

Earl graduated from our community college and was headed to the University of Georgia.  I decided to put school on hold to work in an oncology clinic with plans to eventually go to nursing school.

Over the next couple of years we had a long distance relationship (back then 60 miles was considered a long distance – my how times change.)

When we were apart we led very different lives.  He was busy with school and activities at UGA and I was busy living the life of a 20 year old with a job, apartment and friends who liked to enjoy the bar scene of late 70’s Atlanta.

I started to sense Earl and I were growing apart and it made me very nervous.  I wanted to get married.  At the minimum I wanted a commitment from Earl.  I still don’t know what made me so insecure.  But I needed to know he was in it for the long haul.

But either through passiveness or his own uncertainty, Earl wouldn’t be pressured to propose to me.

I was hurt and confused.  And impatient.  One side of me wanted to ride it out until Earl graduated.  The other was getting angry that he wasn’t willing to commit in a way that would put me at ease.

Remember – marriage, children.  Nothing else mattered.

So I pulled the trigger and married someone else.  It made perfect sense at the time.

So what did Earl do?  Less than a year later he got married too.

Perception is reality and I perceived that Earl simply didn’t want to marry me and had given me no choice but to meet my goals elsewhere.  It broke my heart and I carried it with me well into middle age.

It was clear to me early on, that my relationship with Earl was one of a kind and that no matter what, I would never again find that level of intimacy, understanding and mutual affection.  Whatever caused us to grow apart, the foundation of our love had been the real deal.  I never doubted that for a minute.  This is what made the ending of it so difficult.

We just couldn’t seem to make the transition from high school sweethearts to adulthood.

So the heartbreak of losing my first love and my driven determination to have children drove me into a pattern of “settling”.  If I couldn’t have the love of my life, then I would just have whatever else came along.

At the age of 40, after attempting every known technology, I finally gave up the fight to have a baby.  The drugs and emotional roller-coaster had taken a toll and I just didn’t want to do it anymore.  I was exhausted and drained and didn’t feel that I could then go through the adoption process.

By the age of 48 I was childless AND single.  And still heart broken over Earl.

I dated casually but found the whole endeavor unfulling and beyond any desire I had to work at it.

All of the emotion and frustration from the last 25 years built up and burst out in what felt like an exorcism of sorts.  When it was over I felt great.  I felt happy and free.  I suppose you could call it a rebirth.  Earl didn’t matter, children didn’t matter, and the exes didn’t matter.  All of it fell away. 

A few months later, when I wasn’t looking or trying – there stood Eddie James.

The soul mate that I had claimed did not exist – was a huge, brilliant, bundle of light, intelligence and laughter.  And he adored me.  But more importantly, he “got” me.  He understood everything that had driven me for so many years.  And he loved me anyway.

I became his biggest and most supportive fan.  I gave him security and a feeling of safety that he had been looking for his whole life.  It all fit together perfectly.

And then in one second – it was over.

I will never understand the seemingly randomness of life.  I struggle daily with the concept of “everything happens for a reason” versus the chaos theory.  Are we all just molecules of energy bumping into each other, randomly changing outcomes?  Or is there a deeper purpose to all of it?

I don’t know.  None of us do.

But this is what I do know – other than Eddie’s death – I wouldn’t change a single thing about my life.  Knowing and loving Earl set me on a path of growth and understanding that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.  Struggling with infertility taught me to never take anything for granted, especially biology.

And Eddie taught me that life is to be enjoyed, not analyzed.  Laugh every chance you get.  Love when you get the chance.  Embrace each moment.  Never take anything too seriously. 

Earl & I have stayed in contact over the years.  We met for breakfast about a month ago.  We talked for a couple of hours over coffee about Eddie and the funny turns life takes.  We are friends now and always and I’m quite happy with that.

My goals have changed drastically since I was so hell bent on marriage and family.  Now I simply want to see if I can make a bit of a difference in the world.  And I want to keep laughing.

A friend of mine has built an entire business around the phrase  "Trust Your Journey".  Well, I trust mine and I'm looking forward to the rest of it.  No matter what it is.