The meltdowns are very infrequent now. Oh, the excruciating sadness and the overwhelming grief never subside. Never lessen.
But the emotional breakdowns - the kind where you think you will suffocate and all you want to do is scream as loud and as long as possible - those have subsided. To the point that I don't recall the last time it happened.
But today is Curt's 44th birthday and his beautiful bride posted the most poignant message and picture on Facebook. And my mind and body had an instant and visceral response.
I have never wanted to make Curt's death and Cindy's loss about me and Eddie. A lot of people saw the similarities to the two situations and wanted to draw parallels. But I refused to take part in that activity.
Cindy's loss is her loss. My loss is my loss. Of course I see the similarities but .... well... that is all it is. Similar. Grief is way too personal for any of us to compare feelings. It just seems really tacky to me.
But as I sat there tonight weeping on my iPad, I knew this meltdown was a little bit different.
I was crying for Cindy and Curt more than for me and Eddie. Eventually, it all congealed into one, big major meltdown and me cursing the heavens for the unfairness of it all. By the time it was over, I was simply crying for all of us.
I will never understand it. I will never really accept it. I will never not be sad about it.
Two men, who were friends, died in ridiculously random accidents in their 40's leaving behind two women who had lost their soul mates way too early and after many years of searching.
It will never make sense. It will never stop hurting. But I could do without another meltdown for a very long time.
I am not a pretty crier.
Curt & Eddie, together....
As we Strangers gather together for six fun filled days in August, there is no doubt these two wonderful men will be right there with us.
They will always be with us.
But the emotional breakdowns - the kind where you think you will suffocate and all you want to do is scream as loud and as long as possible - those have subsided. To the point that I don't recall the last time it happened.
But today is Curt's 44th birthday and his beautiful bride posted the most poignant message and picture on Facebook. And my mind and body had an instant and visceral response.
I have never wanted to make Curt's death and Cindy's loss about me and Eddie. A lot of people saw the similarities to the two situations and wanted to draw parallels. But I refused to take part in that activity.
Cindy's loss is her loss. My loss is my loss. Of course I see the similarities but .... well... that is all it is. Similar. Grief is way too personal for any of us to compare feelings. It just seems really tacky to me.
But as I sat there tonight weeping on my iPad, I knew this meltdown was a little bit different.
I was crying for Cindy and Curt more than for me and Eddie. Eventually, it all congealed into one, big major meltdown and me cursing the heavens for the unfairness of it all. By the time it was over, I was simply crying for all of us.
I will never understand it. I will never really accept it. I will never not be sad about it.
Two men, who were friends, died in ridiculously random accidents in their 40's leaving behind two women who had lost their soul mates way too early and after many years of searching.
It will never make sense. It will never stop hurting. But I could do without another meltdown for a very long time.
I am not a pretty crier.
Curt & Eddie, together....
As we Strangers gather together for six fun filled days in August, there is no doubt these two wonderful men will be right there with us.
They will always be with us.
Thanks for sharing, Lisa...while we can't do anything to ease the pain, please know that you and Cindy have friends who will provide shoulders....
ReplyDeleteSo incredibly sad. My heart cries for both of you. Julie
ReplyDeleteThank you. You are such a strong person. There's nothing more I can say than Thank You.
ReplyDelete