Lurleen is single.
Not by choice - obviously. As I've had to point out to several people over the last four years - Eddie and I did not break up. Neither of us made the decision to end the relationship. One minute we were a happily engaged couple making wedding plans and the next minute one of us was dead and the other was left here to navigate life in a way that had never been contemplated.
I've never stopped nor will I ever stop loving Eddie James. I suppose if you read this blog regularly that fact is extremely obvious.
Over these years I have been in awe of widowed men and women who seemed to be able to move back into a new relationship with relative ease. Some within months, most within a couple of years. I am not criticizing their choices - each of us must figure it out - but for me, the ability to even consider dating let alone a romantic relationship has not come easily.
I struggle with confusion, guilt and loneliness every single day.
Once a close friend of Eddie's said to me, "I pity the guy who tries to replace Eddie James." Thankfully, I am smart enough to know there will never be another Eddie James and no man that I may develop feelings for would ever be expected to "replace" him. I don't want to replace Eddie. That much I am certain of.
Over the last year I have finally allowed myself to consider that being a sad and lonely widow isn't how I want to spend what is left of my life. I mean if I die next week, well - ok - no problem. But it would be just my luck to live to 110. I think it is required that I would have to become The Crazy Cat Lady, right? I don't want to be The Crazy Cat Lady. I love cats and all, but not to that level of commitment.
But even though the idea of jumping in the water has crept into my head, I'm still extremely tentative about the whole subject. It makes me uncomfortable. I can't believe I'm even writing about it.
This discomfort is new to me. In the old days, Lisa was as confident as could be regarding men, relationships, starting them, stopping them - the whole mix felt comfortable to me. Not so now. It all seems as foreign as having a third arm.
Today, it is a new world. I am older, wiser, more cynical, hesitant, with a dose of vulnerability thrown in (though it pains me to admit it). The pool of viable candidates is minuscule. The old adage "All the good ones are either married or gay" could not be more true. Between commitment issues, prejudice against all women because of bad experiences, the desire for someone younger and prettier or the ones who are truly bat-shit crazy - that pool gets smaller by the minute.
To complicate matters, I am still not sure what it is I want. Perhaps I would be quite happy with a casual friendship - nothing life changing. But I am not even sure how to go about that. There seems to be this expectation by many that the act of a "date" must lead to something more intense.
I'm just not sure I can buy into that. Not yet. If ever.
So, there is the dilemma. I'm ready to stick my toe in the water. But not really sure I want to go for a swim.
Not by choice - obviously. As I've had to point out to several people over the last four years - Eddie and I did not break up. Neither of us made the decision to end the relationship. One minute we were a happily engaged couple making wedding plans and the next minute one of us was dead and the other was left here to navigate life in a way that had never been contemplated.
I've never stopped nor will I ever stop loving Eddie James. I suppose if you read this blog regularly that fact is extremely obvious.
Over these years I have been in awe of widowed men and women who seemed to be able to move back into a new relationship with relative ease. Some within months, most within a couple of years. I am not criticizing their choices - each of us must figure it out - but for me, the ability to even consider dating let alone a romantic relationship has not come easily.
I struggle with confusion, guilt and loneliness every single day.
Once a close friend of Eddie's said to me, "I pity the guy who tries to replace Eddie James." Thankfully, I am smart enough to know there will never be another Eddie James and no man that I may develop feelings for would ever be expected to "replace" him. I don't want to replace Eddie. That much I am certain of.
Over the last year I have finally allowed myself to consider that being a sad and lonely widow isn't how I want to spend what is left of my life. I mean if I die next week, well - ok - no problem. But it would be just my luck to live to 110. I think it is required that I would have to become The Crazy Cat Lady, right? I don't want to be The Crazy Cat Lady. I love cats and all, but not to that level of commitment.
But even though the idea of jumping in the water has crept into my head, I'm still extremely tentative about the whole subject. It makes me uncomfortable. I can't believe I'm even writing about it.
This discomfort is new to me. In the old days, Lisa was as confident as could be regarding men, relationships, starting them, stopping them - the whole mix felt comfortable to me. Not so now. It all seems as foreign as having a third arm.
To complicate matters, I am still not sure what it is I want. Perhaps I would be quite happy with a casual friendship - nothing life changing. But I am not even sure how to go about that. There seems to be this expectation by many that the act of a "date" must lead to something more intense.
I'm just not sure I can buy into that. Not yet. If ever.So, there is the dilemma. I'm ready to stick my toe in the water. But not really sure I want to go for a swim.
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