Look, no one wants my brooding over Eddie to be over more than I do.
His birthday is Friday and next week is Valentine's Day. And it has been 4 years, 1 month and 30 days since he left. And I've been brooding all week. Or maybe a bit longer... but who's counting?
Here's the thing... I am a list maker and a doer. I love to check things off my list so I can move on to the next thing. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.
But life events can't always be compartmentalized and checked off a list. Especially when it involves sudden death and the pain that goes with it.
Back in the fall I decided I was just done. Four years was long enough, dammit, and I was ready to check "Grief" off my list. I wrote of learning to swim again and was absolutely certain a trip to Zambia was all I needed to knock all that grieving nonsense out of my head so I could move on.
I was ready. But for what? Dating? Relationship? Love?
I may have thought I was ready but reality is much different from what I thought I wanted.
So, what DOES Lurleen want? I don't know precisely but I have figured out what I DON'T want:
1. I don't want to be a backup plan.
2. I don't want to be younger/cooler/hipper.
3. I don't want to be a bank.
4. I don't want to be a therapist.
5. I don't want to be a career counselor.
6. I don't want to be a .... buddy.
7. I don't want to be less than I am.
The thing is... I know what it feels like to be truly loved, adored, appreciated.... cherished... and what it feels like to give all of that back. And I will never be able to settle for less.
In a way, it really sucks. Really.
But then I remember how good being cherished feels and I stop, breathe and wait.... Ahhhh, patience isn't something a list maker/checker-offer is very good at.
I would give anything to feel loved - really loved - again. Then I remind myself that most folks never experience it at all.
So what am I brooding about?
_____________________________________
I don't think I have ever read over one of my blogs more than this one. It is hard to be this honest. And I wonder why I feel the need to be. I have discovered why fiction was created. It gives the writer something to hide behind.
His birthday is Friday and next week is Valentine's Day. And it has been 4 years, 1 month and 30 days since he left. And I've been brooding all week. Or maybe a bit longer... but who's counting?
Here's the thing... I am a list maker and a doer. I love to check things off my list so I can move on to the next thing. It gives me a sense of accomplishment.
But life events can't always be compartmentalized and checked off a list. Especially when it involves sudden death and the pain that goes with it.
Back in the fall I decided I was just done. Four years was long enough, dammit, and I was ready to check "Grief" off my list. I wrote of learning to swim again and was absolutely certain a trip to Zambia was all I needed to knock all that grieving nonsense out of my head so I could move on.
I was ready. But for what? Dating? Relationship? Love?
I may have thought I was ready but reality is much different from what I thought I wanted.
So, what DOES Lurleen want? I don't know precisely but I have figured out what I DON'T want:
1. I don't want to be a backup plan.
2. I don't want to be younger/cooler/hipper.
3. I don't want to be a bank.
4. I don't want to be a therapist.
5. I don't want to be a career counselor.
6. I don't want to be a .... buddy.
7. I don't want to be less than I am.
The thing is... I know what it feels like to be truly loved, adored, appreciated.... cherished... and what it feels like to give all of that back. And I will never be able to settle for less.
In a way, it really sucks. Really.
But then I remember how good being cherished feels and I stop, breathe and wait.... Ahhhh, patience isn't something a list maker/checker-offer is very good at.
I would give anything to feel loved - really loved - again. Then I remind myself that most folks never experience it at all.
So what am I brooding about?
_____________________________________
I don't think I have ever read over one of my blogs more than this one. It is hard to be this honest. And I wonder why I feel the need to be. I have discovered why fiction was created. It gives the writer something to hide behind.
Oh Lisa. I love the raw emotion that comes forth from your blog posts. Never stop writing. I think your posting is cathartic for you and helps with self reflection. You are an amazing person and an amazing writer. I can only hope that one day, you'll take your writing to the next level and perhaps publish a book. God bless you as you continue to heal. I'll be praying for your specifically during this month as I know it is very difficult for you. Thank you for sharing your heart with us! You touch more lives than you know.
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