I'm Fine

For the last year whenever someone asked that cursory question, "How are you?", my answer was a thoughtful, "Ok".

For some reason "ok" seemed more appropriate than the usual, "I'm fine".

"Ok" meant that I was able to get myself out of bed, groom myself, put on clothes, feed the pets and make my way into the office. I figured that warranted a thoughtful "ok". Nothing more. Doing those things took a lot of effort. It may not seem like much, but to me they were feats of strength.

I once met a very, old man and I asked him, out of courtesy, "How are you?". He smiled and said, "Well, I'm sitting up and taking nourishment."

I have never forgotten that sweet, old man. For him, that was something to be proud of.

Today, as I drove from Las Vegas to The Grand Canyon through the beautiful Arizona desert, I felt the usual weight on my chest as if a brick was resting there. I had the now familiar lump in my throat. And of course, there was the burning feeling in my eyes as the tears just waited to burst forth.

I stopped on the side of the road to watch the sunset at 5:20pm Arizona time. One year to the minute when Eddie died. Yes, of course, there were tears, anguish and overwhelming sadness.

But today, of all days, it occurred to me that I am fine. Not just ok, but actually fine.

I hope you are fine too.