Eddie, his ashes, his travels, his friends, his impact, have all been the subject of this blog since I started it over two years ago.
I have said it before and will say it, yet again - I am not over my grief and don't expect I ever will be. The last couple of months have been especially difficult. My sisters will say it is because I quit taking all the medication that had been prescribed to me right after his death. And there is probably some truth to that.
The use of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications is so common place that it is hard to find anyone who hasn't used them at some point or another. And that's fine. They helped me immensely. But I felt I was ready to give it a go on my own. Overall, I think it is working out ok. I reserve the right to change my mind - but for now, I'm good.
Anyway -
There have been several things that have contributed to my current state of mind.
Butt Lite 6IX has come and gone. I knew it would be difficult on many levels but it even shocked me at how emotional it was. Eddie's signature event without Eddie was felt by all of us involved in it.
We launched the new Eddie's Road web site a few weeks ago. It reflects our focus on kids aging out of the child welfare system - it is cleaner, more professional and more representative of our organization. It also includes more insight into Eddie's own experience as an abused child. It was difficult to write and even more difficult to share. I've tried so hard to respect his and his family's privacy but it was clear that to truly make an impact we had to tell the cold, hard facts about child abuse and what children face as they move into adulthood. The wise words of his wonderful brother finally convinced me that it was time to take the covers off and tell some of the stories of Eddie's childhood.
Last week I visited Asheville, NC for the first time since we moved Eddie out of his Hendersonville apartment in August of 2008. Asheville was where we first said "I love you" to each other. We rode every mountain road within 200 miles of the place. I have no idea how many hours we spent there - eating, walking, riding, giggling, fighting, sightseeing, working... I was so apprehensive about returning to a place so important to our relationship. But it was my brother's 70th birthday and I wouldn't miss that for anything. His wife is from Asheville and they now have a second home there. Driving through Greenville and up Highway 25 to Hendersonville was the worst. But eventually, I focused on why we were there and spent so much time laughing with my family that I almost forgot where I was.
And then there are Eddie's ashes. This blog started as a way to tell the stories of all the people who took part in Eddie's own plan for what to do with his remains. As he must have known, his friends were so enthusiastic about sharing this experience. And now, almost three years after he left us, we are still taking him with us. So many of his friends have not wanted to part with his ashes so they have kept them, travel with them, and are still coming up with unique and special ways to honor him.
I carried him with me throughout Butt Lite. And decided to leave just a little bit of him in the motorcycle parking lot at the Marriott Denver Tech Center. I have been there several times since our first visit in 2006. I can't walk into the large atrium lobby without being reminded of that first Iron Butt Meet that I attended with Eddie. One evening I stayed behind in our room while Eddie went down to socialize. We had one of the rooms with the balcony overlooking the atrium and I had the door open. I kept hearing Eddie's laugh and finally went and stood on our balcony so I could see what he was doing. I must have stood there for 30 minutes or more watching him work the room. He pretty much stayed in the same spot and held court as people stood around him while he spoke to each one, telling stories, making them laugh, gesturing - just being Eddie. I remember how much pride and love I felt for him. I don't think I ever told him about my voyeurism that night. He was in his element and he was so, so happy to be there - with his people.
One of his people - Mark Koch, had held on to Eddie's ashes after he initially spread some of them. They've been traveling with him in his saddlebag. Some friends of his who are in a fireworks club suggested making a firecracker with some of Eddie in it. They had a big bonfire in Mark and Jenelle's backyard and finally lit the firecracker and sent it on it's way.
Wow.
After all the ways Eddie's life has been celebrated, I think this might be the most appropriate.
Although, he was very afraid of flying.
And while all of this might sound like I am not making any progress, I would disagree. I am. I know I am.
Slowly but surely, I am.
I have said it before and will say it, yet again - I am not over my grief and don't expect I ever will be. The last couple of months have been especially difficult. My sisters will say it is because I quit taking all the medication that had been prescribed to me right after his death. And there is probably some truth to that.
The use of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications is so common place that it is hard to find anyone who hasn't used them at some point or another. And that's fine. They helped me immensely. But I felt I was ready to give it a go on my own. Overall, I think it is working out ok. I reserve the right to change my mind - but for now, I'm good.
Anyway -
There have been several things that have contributed to my current state of mind.
Butt Lite 6IX has come and gone. I knew it would be difficult on many levels but it even shocked me at how emotional it was. Eddie's signature event without Eddie was felt by all of us involved in it.
We launched the new Eddie's Road web site a few weeks ago. It reflects our focus on kids aging out of the child welfare system - it is cleaner, more professional and more representative of our organization. It also includes more insight into Eddie's own experience as an abused child. It was difficult to write and even more difficult to share. I've tried so hard to respect his and his family's privacy but it was clear that to truly make an impact we had to tell the cold, hard facts about child abuse and what children face as they move into adulthood. The wise words of his wonderful brother finally convinced me that it was time to take the covers off and tell some of the stories of Eddie's childhood.
Last week I visited Asheville, NC for the first time since we moved Eddie out of his Hendersonville apartment in August of 2008. Asheville was where we first said "I love you" to each other. We rode every mountain road within 200 miles of the place. I have no idea how many hours we spent there - eating, walking, riding, giggling, fighting, sightseeing, working... I was so apprehensive about returning to a place so important to our relationship. But it was my brother's 70th birthday and I wouldn't miss that for anything. His wife is from Asheville and they now have a second home there. Driving through Greenville and up Highway 25 to Hendersonville was the worst. But eventually, I focused on why we were there and spent so much time laughing with my family that I almost forgot where I was.
And then there are Eddie's ashes. This blog started as a way to tell the stories of all the people who took part in Eddie's own plan for what to do with his remains. As he must have known, his friends were so enthusiastic about sharing this experience. And now, almost three years after he left us, we are still taking him with us. So many of his friends have not wanted to part with his ashes so they have kept them, travel with them, and are still coming up with unique and special ways to honor him.
I carried him with me throughout Butt Lite. And decided to leave just a little bit of him in the motorcycle parking lot at the Marriott Denver Tech Center. I have been there several times since our first visit in 2006. I can't walk into the large atrium lobby without being reminded of that first Iron Butt Meet that I attended with Eddie. One evening I stayed behind in our room while Eddie went down to socialize. We had one of the rooms with the balcony overlooking the atrium and I had the door open. I kept hearing Eddie's laugh and finally went and stood on our balcony so I could see what he was doing. I must have stood there for 30 minutes or more watching him work the room. He pretty much stayed in the same spot and held court as people stood around him while he spoke to each one, telling stories, making them laugh, gesturing - just being Eddie. I remember how much pride and love I felt for him. I don't think I ever told him about my voyeurism that night. He was in his element and he was so, so happy to be there - with his people.
One of his people - Mark Koch, had held on to Eddie's ashes after he initially spread some of them. They've been traveling with him in his saddlebag. Some friends of his who are in a fireworks club suggested making a firecracker with some of Eddie in it. They had a big bonfire in Mark and Jenelle's backyard and finally lit the firecracker and sent it on it's way.
Wow.
After all the ways Eddie's life has been celebrated, I think this might be the most appropriate.
Although, he was very afraid of flying.
And while all of this might sound like I am not making any progress, I would disagree. I am. I know I am.
Slowly but surely, I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment